The Santa Conspiracy

So I'm all for the propagation of Christmas' magical gift deliverer, Santa Claus. It's cute, children love it, and for those who truly believe, it's a chance to allow a child's imagination to flourish. However, the Government seems to want to take things a step forward. Again, this isn't necessarily a bad thing and to encourage a child's imagination, why not?

I will say, however, I did some research and there is a major lack of oversight on the part of the Government to keep the continuity of things. Like all things clandestine, there are major loop-holes that need to be patched up if we are going to keep such a conspiracy against the youth of this nation going. After all, if such gaps are not sealed, any six year old with internet access and a laptop can figure out that this is all a hoax and put parents in quite the awkward situation. Let's start off with the Official tracking of Santa's flight by our very own NORAD. Many of us have seen this before but if you haven't it can be seen by clicking here.

Pretty cool little tool if that was it. But it's not. This week the Federal Aviation Administration issued a press release stating that "safety inspectors at the North Pole certified Santa One, the reindeer-powered sleigh piloted by Santa Claus, for its Christmas Eve round-the-world delivery mission. Santa One, led by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, is outfitted with new satellite-based NextGen technology, which will allow Santa to deliver more toys to more children with improved safety and efficiency." The entire press release can be found on the FAA's website and can be viewed by clicking here.

Upon reading this, I began to wonder if Santa needed a type rating for such a craft. If he didn't, I was curious to learn what sort of licensing any one of us would need to fly a reindeer-powered sleigh; Multi-Engine Land? Lighter than Air? Perhaps it's a Glider? Well lucky for me (and possibly an eight year old with an inquiring mind) the FAA has a page to look up airmen licenses, ratings, and type-ratings; and here's the kicker...

Santa holds no type-ratings. He has no licenses. Santa does not even hold a valid medical or student license. Imagine that, Santa isn't a pilot and can't legally fly within the boundaries of the United States of America. So what is he doing cruising around from house to house? Seems like a danger to public safety to me... of course, this is if Santa were real.

But there are lessons and conclusions to be drawn from all of this. First of all, the obvious danger of being exposed to a lie at such a delicate age might have resounding affects on a child's future growth. Second, the advent of Google allows such gaps to be easily exposed and questioned, challenging us as co-conspirators to do a better job in covering our tracks.

Lastly, what are we teaching our children? If this were to be widely known by the diaper clad clans of America they might get to thinking that VIPs, such as their own hero Santa, get special treatment from the government and that rules such as the very strict and constantly evolving Federal Aviation Regulations are only for those with less clout and money to circumnavigate them. As if the laws and rules of the land only apply to some and not to others. Oh wait, I see what they did there. Well played, America.

Note: This is an attempt at satire and not an article to be taken seriously.

"Prior to the Christmas deliveries, the FAA sent an examiner out to complete a Checkride with Santa. As the examiner hopped in the sleigh, he brandished a shotgun for Santa to see. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff." - Santa and the FAA